Storytelling: MyLife's a Charm
On the hard,cold wooden desk I sat
just waiting until the day we would chat.
I was yours since the day you were born,
but not for long I shall warn.
I watch you both day and night,
but never on your mind, always out of sight.
I was there to see you walk and cry,
but I hope that when it's time to meet you're not shy.
You toss and turn all night long ,
trying to fight this pull that's so strong.
You wake up with sweats and eyes full of terror,
but then you turn over to see me on you dresser.
You pick me up and twirl me around,
knowing that I'm your comfort when comfort can't be found.
Your attachment to me weakens as you mature through the years,
but there's a calling on your life so it appears.
A whole new world and kingdom awaits for you and me,
just step into the world of the rakshashi.
Beep! Beep! Beep! After five minutes of hearing the annoying alarm clock, Shala finally reaches out from underneath her five down pillows and fluffy comforters to silence the arrival of a new day. another depressing day that she must "report for duty" at her crappy internship, while dreading the part-time job of looking for a job. Shala is a year and a half out from having completed her undergraduate degree and still faces difficulty waking up in a timely fashion or a pleasant mood at that.
A muffled Shala from under the white and purple mass of sheets croaks, " I should probably get up so I'm not late again. Is this internship really going to be beneficial in securing my long-term job? Probably not." Lying there for just a minute longer, she finally musters up the energy to get out of bed and prepare for the day's trials.
"Socks already on. Check. Legs shaved. Check? Coffee auto brew starting. Check?" While sniffing the clothes piled at the foot of the bed, she thinks to herself, "When's the last time I've done laundry?
She grabs a blazer, slides on her pants, and runs out the door. The studio apartment goes silent. Before the room settles, the door creaks open and here comes Shala skidding and clicking across the room to go rub her lucky porcelain charm doll and to breathe in all her strength for the day. Little did Shala know that it wasn't just the breath that fueled her existence. What was so special about this doll? This was a gift Shala's parents gave her before they died. From that moment onward, Shala developed a habit of holding it and it receiving positive vibes for the day. However, there was one night where her porcelain charm gave off more than vibes it actually became warm like her parents' touch, like heat from a campfire.
Bam! The door slams. Shala, eyes filled with tears, runs to her room and flops on her bed. The tears then take over. Her body is shaking violently from her frustration with her job, her life, her self-image. "I just wish they were here. I need your guidance. I need someone's help. I need someone's strength. I'm over it all." Shala gets up to wash her face and catches her porcelain doll in her peripheral vision. She walks to the desk and says," I'm so sorry, Mom and Dad." She then kisses the doll and sets it down with her fingers lingering. She repeats, "I need strength." Then, the ground quakes and the room shakes. Right before her eyes, the porcelain doll disintegrates into shards of glass, but the shards of glass begin to melt. From the melted goop emerges giftingsa huge, blue, woman-like beast with seven arms adorned in gold and battle armor, a rakshashi.
Shala, screaming and afraid, runs toward the door but the beastly woman stops her in her tracks. "Halt! Do not be afraid. The time has come for you to lead the way. I've heard your cries for strength once more. It's time to inherit the kingdom and be the queen we long for."
"What are you talking about?" Shala says.
"No time to ask questions. You shall assume the position. I have made the arrangements. You are the new queen of Dasharatha's people. Show them the proper way, show them the way of the manushya-rakshasas."
Shala, confused and paralyzed with fright, manages to stammer out a few words."What what is a, uh, a rakshasa?"
The female rakshasa begins to speak. "I am a servant of the warlord. I have been endowed with the supernatural capacity to shape-shift and devour mine enemies' flesh and blood in one setting. Beyond my duty as a servant, my calling is to hone and temper the behavior of fledgling rakshasas. I come from a long lineage of rakshasa, as do you." "I do?! I know nothing of this sort, of your kind, or of what "lineage" you speak of," interrupted Shala.
"Your parents were great warriors."
"You know nothing about my family," screamed Shala.
"You ignorant and disrespectful mundane being."
The beast lunges for Shala, shackling her in with all eight ghastly arms. "You will assume your position and honor your parents."
Both Shala and the female rakshasa warp into a cosmic flash and reappear into an alternate dimension.
"Where are we? Tell me what you know about my parents," exclaimed Shala. The rakshasi releases her.
"Walk." The pair begins wall down a dark and eerie corridor.
The rakshasi draws in a big breath and begins her story.
"Your parents were rakshasas; however, they were deviant. Our predestined service to the warlord includes carrying out enterprises for evil. Your parents wanted to fight for good. They refused to utilize their polymorphic abilities, which is why you never saw them take on my ferocious appearance. The warlord was intolerant of their rebellion and eliminated them."
Shala was hysterical.
"I'm sorry but their death was not the result of a single offense. Although they were condemned, they left a legacy. One for you to assume."
Now, they were standing in front of a large door, signaling the end of the corridor.
"What is this room?" sniffled Shala.
"This was your parents' sanctum. Please, take a look."
Author's Note: This story is an altered version of Chapter 15: Kaikeyi and Dasharatha from Ramayana. I put a spin on the story about Dasharatha's betrayal of his son by falling subject to the manushya-rakshasi, Kaikeyi. Kaikeyi wanted her son to to take over Dasharatha's kingdom instead of his son Rama. I chose to make Kaikeyi more modern by taking the form of a doll that has watched over Shala, the main character since the death of her parents. Kaikeyi had been watching the kingdom to see when she would take over. The porcelain doll is symbolic. I wanted the appearance and conjuring of the doll into a rakshashi messenger to be a complete surprise to the reader. The opening poetic format was the foreshadowing of the account with Shala, the main character. The couplet style of writing was used to mimic the format of the passages in the Public Domain Edition of the Ramayana. I utilized both first person point of view and omniscient narration to help the audience get a better understanding of how the main character was feeling. This story was specifically chosen because it fell under the category of and Indian Epic with rakshasas. I left the story as a cliff hanger so that I may create another story that introduces the next chapter of Shala's life in the rakshasa world. My portfolio will be a combination of stories addressing this supernatural character.
Bibliography: Chapter 15: Kaikeyi and Dasharta in Part B from Ramayana Public Domain Edition
Indian doll in Vishnu Museum Wikimedia Commons
just waiting until the day we would chat.
I was yours since the day you were born,
but not for long I shall warn.
I watch you both day and night,
but never on your mind, always out of sight.
I was there to see you walk and cry,
but I hope that when it's time to meet you're not shy.
You toss and turn all night long ,
trying to fight this pull that's so strong.
You wake up with sweats and eyes full of terror,
but then you turn over to see me on you dresser.
You pick me up and twirl me around,
knowing that I'm your comfort when comfort can't be found.
Your attachment to me weakens as you mature through the years,
but there's a calling on your life so it appears.
A whole new world and kingdom awaits for you and me,
just step into the world of the rakshashi.
Beep! Beep! Beep! After five minutes of hearing the annoying alarm clock, Shala finally reaches out from underneath her five down pillows and fluffy comforters to silence the arrival of a new day. another depressing day that she must "report for duty" at her crappy internship, while dreading the part-time job of looking for a job. Shala is a year and a half out from having completed her undergraduate degree and still faces difficulty waking up in a timely fashion or a pleasant mood at that.
A muffled Shala from under the white and purple mass of sheets croaks, " I should probably get up so I'm not late again. Is this internship really going to be beneficial in securing my long-term job? Probably not." Lying there for just a minute longer, she finally musters up the energy to get out of bed and prepare for the day's trials.
"Socks already on. Check. Legs shaved. Check? Coffee auto brew starting. Check?" While sniffing the clothes piled at the foot of the bed, she thinks to herself, "When's the last time I've done laundry?
She grabs a blazer, slides on her pants, and runs out the door. The studio apartment goes silent. Before the room settles, the door creaks open and here comes Shala skidding and clicking across the room to go rub her lucky porcelain charm doll and to breathe in all her strength for the day. Little did Shala know that it wasn't just the breath that fueled her existence. What was so special about this doll? This was a gift Shala's parents gave her before they died. From that moment onward, Shala developed a habit of holding it and it receiving positive vibes for the day. However, there was one night where her porcelain charm gave off more than vibes it actually became warm like her parents' touch, like heat from a campfire.
Bam! The door slams. Shala, eyes filled with tears, runs to her room and flops on her bed. The tears then take over. Her body is shaking violently from her frustration with her job, her life, her self-image. "I just wish they were here. I need your guidance. I need someone's help. I need someone's strength. I'm over it all." Shala gets up to wash her face and catches her porcelain doll in her peripheral vision. She walks to the desk and says," I'm so sorry, Mom and Dad." She then kisses the doll and sets it down with her fingers lingering. She repeats, "I need strength." Then, the ground quakes and the room shakes. Right before her eyes, the porcelain doll disintegrates into shards of glass, but the shards of glass begin to melt. From the melted goop emerges giftingsa huge, blue, woman-like beast with seven arms adorned in gold and battle armor, a rakshashi.
Shala, screaming and afraid, runs toward the door but the beastly woman stops her in her tracks. "Halt! Do not be afraid. The time has come for you to lead the way. I've heard your cries for strength once more. It's time to inherit the kingdom and be the queen we long for."
"What are you talking about?" Shala says.
"No time to ask questions. You shall assume the position. I have made the arrangements. You are the new queen of Dasharatha's people. Show them the proper way, show them the way of the manushya-rakshasas."
Shala, confused and paralyzed with fright, manages to stammer out a few words."What what is a, uh, a rakshasa?"
The female rakshasa begins to speak. "I am a servant of the warlord. I have been endowed with the supernatural capacity to shape-shift and devour mine enemies' flesh and blood in one setting. Beyond my duty as a servant, my calling is to hone and temper the behavior of fledgling rakshasas. I come from a long lineage of rakshasa, as do you." "I do?! I know nothing of this sort, of your kind, or of what "lineage" you speak of," interrupted Shala.
"Your parents were great warriors."
"You know nothing about my family," screamed Shala.
"You ignorant and disrespectful mundane being."
The beast lunges for Shala, shackling her in with all eight ghastly arms. "You will assume your position and honor your parents."
Both Shala and the female rakshasa warp into a cosmic flash and reappear into an alternate dimension.
"Where are we? Tell me what you know about my parents," exclaimed Shala. The rakshasi releases her.
"Walk." The pair begins wall down a dark and eerie corridor.
The rakshasi draws in a big breath and begins her story.
"Your parents were rakshasas; however, they were deviant. Our predestined service to the warlord includes carrying out enterprises for evil. Your parents wanted to fight for good. They refused to utilize their polymorphic abilities, which is why you never saw them take on my ferocious appearance. The warlord was intolerant of their rebellion and eliminated them."
Shala was hysterical.
"I'm sorry but their death was not the result of a single offense. Although they were condemned, they left a legacy. One for you to assume."
Now, they were standing in front of a large door, signaling the end of the corridor.
"What is this room?" sniffled Shala.
"This was your parents' sanctum. Please, take a look."
Author's Note: This story is an altered version of Chapter 15: Kaikeyi and Dasharatha from Ramayana. I put a spin on the story about Dasharatha's betrayal of his son by falling subject to the manushya-rakshasi, Kaikeyi. Kaikeyi wanted her son to to take over Dasharatha's kingdom instead of his son Rama. I chose to make Kaikeyi more modern by taking the form of a doll that has watched over Shala, the main character since the death of her parents. Kaikeyi had been watching the kingdom to see when she would take over. The porcelain doll is symbolic. I wanted the appearance and conjuring of the doll into a rakshashi messenger to be a complete surprise to the reader. The opening poetic format was the foreshadowing of the account with Shala, the main character. The couplet style of writing was used to mimic the format of the passages in the Public Domain Edition of the Ramayana. I utilized both first person point of view and omniscient narration to help the audience get a better understanding of how the main character was feeling. This story was specifically chosen because it fell under the category of and Indian Epic with rakshasas. I left the story as a cliff hanger so that I may create another story that introduces the next chapter of Shala's life in the rakshasa world. My portfolio will be a combination of stories addressing this supernatural character.
Bibliography: Chapter 15: Kaikeyi and Dasharta in Part B from Ramayana Public Domain Edition
Indian doll in Vishnu Museum Wikimedia Commons
I like that you put a modern twist onto the story. The way that Shala thought made me think I was actually reading about myself in the mornings haha. The poem part of the story was brilliant as well and really portrayed Kaiyeki’s mindset. In terms of grammar, you did a great job. There were some small formatting issues I think, like where the commas would be a space or two off. Those could be easily fixed, of course. You really put some good creativity in this story though, great!
ReplyDeleteHi Hannah! I really like that you made your portfolio themed, it inspired me to try and work a theme into my portfolio! Wow did you write the poem in the beginning of your story or is that from somewhere else? It had me so intrigued I was excited to keep reading, very good job on that! Your Shala character cracked me up because I was her during one of my internships in the past! I was completely in shock when her porcelain doll broke and turned into a full-blown woman beast! So you definitely succeed in making that a surprise to the readers. I wonder though what happens to Shala? Does she go on to take over this kingdom? Or does she try to fight the Rakshashi? I think the story was amazing but had some holes to fill. Do you want to leave it as a cliffhanger or go on to discuss what happens next in the story? That would be something you could put in your author’s note to let the readers know. Overall though, outstanding story!
ReplyDeleteHi Hannah! I was really impress with how you open the story with a poem (because I am horrible when it comes to writing poem, so whoever can manage to write one! Kudo to you!). When I read Shala's morning routine, I gotta say I am tottally relatable to that! There are some part that left me with curious, such as how did Shala's parents pass away? What happen to them? And I wonder how did she immediately recognize rakhashi woman the moment she appears? Maybe the rakhashi resembles Shala's doll or is there anything special about her appearance? There was some comma and words that are not space out from each other, but they did not really confuse me while reading the story. Overall, I like your description of when the doll turns into glass shards then appears as a woman! That was very descriptive. I enjoy the story and wonder what will happen next. Good job on writing it!
ReplyDeleteHey Hannah! I really liked your take on this part of the story. You mentioned in your author's note that you wanted the conjuring of the porcelain doll to be a complete surprise to the reader -- it was!!! I really felt the 'wow' factor when I was reading this section of your story because it was completely out of nowhere. (In the best way!) You made it fit in and work with the surrounding events, and it ended up pulling a really great story together! I wonder what it would be like if you included a little bit more dialogue between Shala and the rakhashi? Maybe Shala questioning her or the two discussing her duties, or just a little more explanation? Your writing style is great. I loved how you paired the couplet, poetry style opening, and first person perspective. The story flows, and sounds great. You have great 'bones', the only main critique I would give you would be to just add a few more details to fully inform the reader and have that connection made between us and your story! Awesome job! Can't wait to see what more you write.
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI loved your story! It was absolutely amazing. When I first started to read it I was getting really sad. You did such a good job of evoking emotion from your audience. I felt so bad for Shala. Then as I read on and are age range was exposed I felt even worse. At such a young age she lost her parents and felt so stuck in her life. When you mentioned the doll in the story, I had felt that there was something special about it. However, I was not expecting it to come alive. I also was not expecting Shala to be named Queen. I was very impressed by it all. I also think you did a good job of explaining it all in your author's note. Some feedback, I would just say maybe expand on your story at the end more. Just giving the audience closure on how it all ends. You did an amazing job. I am highly impressed.
Hi Hannah! You did a really great job on your story. Although I haven't read the original story, I thought your version was very unique and entertaining. I was definitely engaged all the way though because it was so relatable for college students. I did see some small mistakes throughout your story, for example in the first paragraph it says "Shala is a year and a have out" and I think it's supposed to say half. Overall, the plot of the story is very interesting and I liked the significance of the doll. I think you could also go into a lot more detail at the end because the story comes to an abrupt ending as soon as the doll comes to life and tells her of her fate. Why/how is she becoming and queen and why didn't she know she was going to be? Overall, really great job thought, I loved the story!
ReplyDeleteThe blend of a modern environment and fantastical, mythological magic, coupled with the poem at the beginning, gives the world and situation a compelling flavor. Your main character has a dilemma I want to care about, but as the story goes on, it feels more like a beginning to a story rather than one itself.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as the ending hit, I couldn't help but wonder when the actual conflict was going to start, what a rakshashi was, what happened during Shala's day that made her upset, and what the resolution to the story was, as it ends with a teaser. Restructuring your plot and constructing an ending (maybe concerning the promotion to monarch?) will help greatly.
Your author's note states you used first-person perspective, but the narration shows more signs of an omniscient narrator rather than Shala's personality or line of thought. There are also some confusions in the writing such as "a year and a have" and the matter of where we are (studio apartment? when was this introduced?). A bit of retooling to the writing will help as well.
Overall, good concept, and refinement will make it better. Of primary concern is the ending, perspective, and the conflict of the story. Considering these parts, along with some minor retooling to writing goofs will make a great story. Keep up the good work.
Hi Hannah. I thought the poem was a really interesting way to start this story off. After reading the whole story I could see how it tied into the plot of the whole thing. It was a nice addition to everything you wrote. I thought your interpretation of this story was awesome. It was a modern approach with some mythical things happening. It reminded me of some movies I have watched. One thing I think would be a cool idea to do is expand on the main characters qualities. Maybe she's always been really good at some combat thing like fencing. That could explain the connection between her parents being great warriors and her having that gene inside. I think making more of a connection to the daughter and her lost parents would be an interesting aspect to expand on. Other than that I really enjoyed your take on this story. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteHi Hannah! This was a great story! I liked that you put it in a modern setting and then had it flash to the place of her parent's old lives. You started off your story really strong, I could totally relate to her not wanting to get out of bed. One thing that might make better is if you gave more of a background about why she is dreading her job or more about how old she is! I couldn't decide if she was just out of high school or about to graduate college! This would also help give us more backstory on the character. I love that she is now to become some queen, but it would be cool to know her life before this happened! Overall, really great story!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteHey Hannah,
I thought it was super interesting the way you began your story and that is one of the reasons why I kept reading. I haven't seen that done in this class so far so it was for sure something that had caught my eye. I also loved the way you changed the story to make it more of your own. I also really liked how well you used description and imagery throughout your story. A part of me felt as if I was there because I could picture what was going on with the character and the world around them. Your author's note was well written and helped explain why you wrote your story and it helped put everything in perspective about your motive for writing this story. I think it was a great idea to keep the ending open ended just in case you wanted to create another story from it. You did a good job!
Hannah I was very excited to read your first installment in your portfolio project. Your story organization was extremely different but very very interesting. I think that you really branched out in terms of organization and that was refreshing to see. I have not read many stories that are organized so strategically. There was great imagery throughout the story. I really felt like I was there and that there was a picture being painted in my head the whole time I was reading. The story was left open which is great when you want to write a sequel which is something that I saw that you did with this story. Keep up the great work and never be afraid to write something that might be different because I think that is what really made your story stand out from many others that I have read throughout this semester. This story was really well done and I am interested to read more from you!
ReplyDeleteAs soon as I saw the theme of your portfolio, I was more than ready to check out your stories. The rakshasas were the most interesting thing to me from the Ramayana, and I was also really intrigued by the rakshasa wife Bheem met during one of the forest episodes of the Mahabharata, so I was excited to see what spin you would put on the concept.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite things about this is the way you’ve mixed the modern and mundane with the mythology here. It works really well, freshens up the mythology, and reads a lot like the beginning of a YA novel. The third-person, present-tense is sometimes tough to pull off without sounding forced, but you’ve got a real knack for it, and the voice here is a lot of fun.
My only suggestion is that you look back through it for formatting typos, and a couple of little inconsistencies (like how many arms the rakshasa has). But I really enjoyed what you’ve got here, and I look forward to checking out some of your other stories!